Day 49

Forty-nine days of not touching another human.  But who's counting (frantically waves hand from the back of the room like that know-it-all kid in elementary school)?  Me.  I'm counting.

My friend J said something at virtual church the other day that has been continuing to float.  He mentioned the purpose of margins in a paper.  I don't remember exactly what he said; something to the effect of the blank space allowing us to focus on the material at hand.  What I do remember is the question I thought after he said that.  I thought, "Is that why it's hard for me to focus on reading my Bible?"

I can devour a 400 page novel in a day if it's an easy read.  (Note: Tolkein is not an easy read...it would take anyone a month to get through 100 pages of hobbit history.)  But I struggle to wade through a ten verse Psalm sometimes.  My mind tends to wander and I can't focus on the words.  Perhaps part of it is the language (New King James).  I know there are more contemporary translations, but my mother bought me this Bible on the condition that I read it, so I am determined to get through it at least once.  Part of it is most likely the smaller font.  I have pretty eyes, but they don't work that well.  And none of us read newspapers anymore, so there isn't much place to practice reading in short columns.  And now I see that there is literally almost no margin.

I found myself holding a very convenient pass for avoiding my Bible a little.  But I remembered something I tell my students (who refuse to read their textbooks).  The only way to improve at reading hard things is to read. Hard. Things.

So I set out this week to spend time with my Bible.  I set a ground rule of that I wouldn't pass judgement on myself if my mind wandered and I had to go reread something.  I figure God won't mind.  And I'm starting to enjoy it.  I started in Psalms (because it's an easy one) and I'm finding so many hymns and songs in there.  I'll read a verse and something that we sang in church will pop into my head.  I usually take a minute to sing a verse or the chorus.  It's been fun.  Does my mind still wander?  Yes.  But it's fine.

One good things that has come from this forced isolation and somewhat relaxed schedule is I have plenty of time in the morning to sit in good light (my poor feeble eyes) and wander through books.  And I'm pleased to say that I'm finding the Bible to be more of a stroll than a trudge.  Small blessings, right?

Day 43

I have not blogged in years.  But I find myself in my sixth week of teaching from home thanks to the stay at home orders imposed on me by the state of California.  I have not touched another human in forty-three days.  I was not much of a hugger before this all went down, but I was definitely a high-fiver, a bump-you-casually-as-we-walk-together, a let-you-lean-on-me-while-we-watch-movies, or a put-my-hand-on-your-shoulder type of person.  I did not realize how important high fives were and how sane they kept me.  So now I am typing to the ether because I am running out of 90's disaster movies to dull the anxiety.  Hello my old friend.

I am not much of a toucher, but I need the energy of people around me more than I thought.  Zoom just does not cut it.  You can't read a room that way.  I need to share air with someone else, which is exactly what social distancing is trying to prevent.  I'm starting to see signs of depression in myself.  Sleeping patterns gone, showering is hit or miss (sorry if this is TMI), either eating everything or eating nothing, crying for no reason or every reason. 

Oh, and did I mention I have to teach teenagers amidst this?  People even less able to analyze and handle emotions.  People even less likely to be able to stick to a schedule or to-do list.  The longer this goes on, the less I care that they learn anything about my subject.  I just want them (and myself) to come out on the other end of this with our psyche intact.

Questions I think about:

At what point does the economic fallout become more important than COVID-19?
How do I (an admitted emotional cripple) help my students to process their feelings/motivations enough to be able to focus on learning a few things about my subject?
How do I keep myself from losing empathy (because I am losing it)?
Will we have to do this in the fall?  Will this be a more common thing that happens every time a new disease pops up?
If this doesn't end by fall, do I want to continue teaching?  If I don't continue teaching, what do I want to do?
WHY aren't there enough tests?
WHAT is our government doing?

On the flip side of all of this, I think practicing gratitude is so important.
Things I am grateful for:

90's disaster movies.
I have a salaried job (for now).
I have a nice apartment, plenty of food, and money in the bank (not much, but enough).
We are not having to do all of this with dial up internet.  Can you imagine?
This didn't happen at the beginning of the school year.
I have really supportive administration and colleagues.
I have really good friends and family who reach out constantly because they know I'm alone at home.
Memes.  Aaaalllll the memes.

Well, that was fun.  My plan is to use this as a random outlet/journal/whatever I want to do because it's my blog.